Last night I taught a course, along with Dakini Janet Lee, for couples called The Truth About Intimacy. It was well received and different from what I’ve presented in the past. I loved the information and I’d like to share some of it here with you. Please note, this is especifically for those who are in a heterosexual relationship.
How often have you been frustrated by the appearance that your partner doesn’t seem to understand you, or does things the way it so obviously needs to be done (in your opinion) or doesn’t listen or any myriad of things. There is a reason we are called “opposite” sexes. We think very differently and we need very different things! In order to have true intimacy with a loved one of the opposite sex we need to understand those differences.
Following are some bullet points on the differences. I may expand on them in future if you ask for it. 🙂
Men and women express their sensuality in different ways.
Men:
- presence – a man can only be truly sensual when he is present in the moment – and a present man is very attractive
- protector – men are natural protectors, they need to express that aspect of themselves as part of their sensuality provider – even if you both contribute to the household, a man needs to be able to provide in a meaningful way
- purpose/mission – a sensual man needs to know he has a bigger purpose in life to strive toward, they have singular focus
Women:
- connection – a woman needs to feel connected with those around her in order to feel her sensuality
- flow – women truly “go with the flow” our sensuality allows us to have diffuse awareness which allows us to go where we’re most needed or what we’re most interested in at any given moment
- movement/in their body – when we move, especially dancing, we really feel our sensuality
- radiance – a deeply sensual woman glows, her radiance draws people to her
Since we express our sensuality differently, we need to be able to respect what our partner needs to be fully expressive – sensual. For example, women often become frustrated because we can pay attention to so many things at a time and our man can’t (or we think, won’t). The fact is, we’re built differently so of course we’re going to respond to stimuli differently! Accept it, it’s not going to change.
Intimacy can be broken down as IN TO ME SEE. Intimacy is about seeing into the heart and soul of another person. Part of that is communication. Ladies, remember the single focus of your man. Make sure you have his full attention when you’re talking to him. If he’s getting dressed or watching TV, he will NOT hear you. Men, when your woman is upset, let her dump to get past all her feelings about it and don’t try to fix it. As you may have noticed, we don’t like that very much.
There are so many ways to communicate – words, body language, signals, a look, touch. Be aware of what you’re communicating in all of these ways. Often our words and body language don’t match. Or our words are not chosen in a way the person we’re speaking to can hear the way we want them to. Continually check in with each other. Ask the other person to repeat what you just said. Clarify when you have an assumption about something. Ask questions and keep asking! Say what needs to be said to get out of your head and into your heart. Remember, the person in front of you loves you.
Finally, find out what your and your partner’s love language is. Whether you respond better to words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts or physical touch we all have things we need from our relationships in order to feel loved. Note – we ALL have NEEDS. Be willing to express what you need from your partner to feel loved. The fact is that we’re more likely to give what we want to get. So if you like receiving gifts and always bring your partner thoughtful gifts, they may appreciate it. However, if they’re a touch person and you never hold their hand, it doesn’t matter how many gifts they get, they will sill feel something is missing. Give your partner what THEY need, not what YOU need to feel loved and open to intimacy.
This is a complex topic and there’s much to be said. We’ll leave it at this for now. Have fun exploring with each other!
Hugs, Christie