We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced the joy of having someone tell us we’ve done well. Alternately we know the dissatisfaction of knowing we’ve done well and no one seems to notice.
Recently, I was at a leadership training course. A good part of the afternoon was spent talking about the value of giving people positive feedback. Isn’t it odd that we all know how good it feels and yet we still need reminding about how important it is.
So let’s have a little chat about positive feedback – praise. Whether it’s for your kids, your partner or an employee, it will make a world of difference.
Why does a postive result and positive feedback make us feel so good? It’s called dopamine. It’s like a little happy hit to the brain. It’s something natural that we crave. Often people who don’t receive enough dopamine turn to addiction. Addiction gives us dopamine hits. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs or winning solitaire, the dopamine hit helps fuel addiction.
Do you want the people in your life to turn to addictions to feel better? I didn’t think so. Have you ever wondered why you, or others, spend so much time on facebook or playing online games during work? They’re looking for dopamine hits – whether they know it or not.
I know the feeling. When I feel stuck or lost, I will often turn to games on my phone or turn on the TV. My brain knows that those things will give me the hit I crave. Working on my own is especially hard because there’s no one around to praise me except me.
What are the excuses people give for not praising others? Maybe one or two of these will sound familiar.
- I don’t want to manipulate.
- I don’t want to be seen as insincere.
- I was never praised, so I don’t really know how.
- It really isn’t all that important.
- If I flatter you, you won’t try as hard.
- People who get lots of praise get arrogant.
- I can’t be bothered.
Excuses, excuses. If you know how good it feels to be appreciate, recognized, praised, why would you hold that gift away from someone else? It’s like we feel that others need to jump through hoops in order to “earn” our acknowledgement. Stop being so stingy!
You may have heard of SMART goals. Now is the time for SMART praise.
Sincere: Never give praise just to give praise. People can see through the fake smile and canned words. Be sure you really are happy with the action you are praising. Use phrasing and words that are natural for you. Even if you fumble over the kudos, it’s better than not giving them at all.
Measurable: Qualify the praise, don’t be vague. The more specific you can be, the better. Make comparisons to something from the past. Use clear examples. Use numbers or other quantifiers. “This is amazing, did you know your sales are up 15% over last week? Good job!”
Accurate: Be sure you are accurate rather than general. The more detail of the action you are praising you can give, the more believable you’ll be. “Thank you for doing such a great job on the dishes last night. I know that one pan was pretty nasty and it’s so clean now. You rock.”
Repeated: Praise needs to be consistent. Careful, this doesn’t mean that every Tuesday morning you make the rounds giving out your kind words. At first you may need to work at reminding yourself to do it, but over time the habit will build and it’ll become more spontaneous. Keep it coming while keeping it fresh.
Timely: Praising someone today for something they did last month doesn’t really cut it. Express your appreciation as soon as possible so the feeling of accomplishment is fresh and your gift of recognition will add to the dopamine already swimming around in their brain.
Some believe that people respond better to fear than love. I think people respond quickly to fear, but they respond continuously and willingly from love. Praise the people in your life the SMART way and watch what happens. Help them grow into their best selves. Give others the opportunity to do what they’re best at and reinforce it with praise.
Your praise will brighten and lighten someone’s day. It will give them joy. It will help them realize how great they are and want to keep doing what they are great at. When we all do and be our best, nothing can stop us.
Dope up on dopamine everyone!
Hugs, Christie