I decided a long time ago not to have children. A lot of factors have played into this: time and finances being the most obvious. I didn’t even get a driver’s license until I was 28 because I didn’t have money for a car, how could I possibly afford a kid? Then life started to happen and I didn’t want to get tied down. Kids take a lot of time and energy and I already didn’t seem to have enough of either.
I never really liked babies. Every one else seems to gush over newborns. I’m not all that interested in a child until they start to communicate. That’s probably why my biological clock didn’t start to bong loudly as I got older. I didn’t feel the baby pull.
My mom has said to me many times, “how is it that my daughter who is so good with children never had any of her own?” Being good with kids was never a concern. They LOVE me and I love them. Little babies love me even though I’m indifferent. There is something about my energy that makes them relax and very often if they’re fussy I can put them to sleep when no one else can. I love to play with children and let them guide the play. I don’t try to grown up-ize anything. That’s probably why they like me so much.
Every once in awhile I hear a story that makes me almost wish I had children. One is the Small Person Acquisition Project. This CBC documentary follows two men (one a trans woman) who decide to have a child. J (the trans) carries the child and, despite plans for a vaginal delivery, delivers via c-section due to complications.
Listening to this documentary I couldn’t help but feel touched. The birth of a new life whether bird or human is a miracle and even in my non-fawning-over-infants-ness I am still moved by it. What puts this above other birth stories are the struggles Jay and Bear had to endure and overcome. From the midwife company who wouldn’t even talk to them at first to getting permission to cross out mother and replace it with father on the birth certificate, their experience was unique and fraught.
It’s stories like this which inspire me. Not to have my own kids (although, who knows, I may someday adopt) as much as to have faith in humanity and our ability to change, grow and love.
One of the main reasons I haven’t had my own children is that I’m afraid. I’m afraid of doing something that will damage their beautiful soul. I’m afraid of saying something that will make them pretend to be someone they’re not for fear of criticism. I’m afraid of watching them change from the open, honest, real person they are born as to the closed, fearful person most of us become as we grow. Thankfully many of us get back to our original state, but the interim can be long and confusing.
J and Bear show that there are beautiful, open hearted and loving souls all over who believe in the power of the individual and their right to be just that. That gives me faith in our future more than the birth of a new generation. My prayer is that every generation becomes more accepting, loving and real. This is what will save us all in the end. Science and progress can only do so much. It’s the beautiful souls loving each other that make life worth living.
What will you do to show your beauty and love to the world?
Hugs,
Christie
Be Beautiful, Be YOU!