How have you been doing with accepting compliments graciously? If you’ve been making an effort for the past two weeks, I’m sure you are seeing results in the ease of saying “Thank you” and nothing else and a difference in how you see yourself when you look in the mirror.
Now, let’s take a look at expectations. Sometimes we get confused and feel compliments and expectations, if not the same, are at least close cousins. They are actually not even in the same family.
A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” whereas an expectation is “the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.” (dictionary.com)
Based on these definitions, let’s take a look at how expectations and compliments differ:
1. A compliment is based in the now. An expectation is based in the future.
2. A compliment is based in reality. An expectation is a hope for something that doesn’t yet, and may never, exist.
3. A compliment is meant to make you feel good. An expectation can make you feel inadequate.
4. A compliment is what another person sees in you. An expectation is what they would like to see.
5. A compliment is truth. An expectation is projection.
Take a moment and think about the compliments you have received. Compare them to expectations that have come your way.
Not clear on what an expectation might be? Here are some examples from my life:
- you’re so patient, you should work with the developmentally disabled (I’m not really all that patient)
- you shouldn’t have sex until you’re married (well, that didn’t happen!)
- you’re so good with kids, you’ll make an excellent mother (yes, I’m good with kids, but I decided not to be a mother)
- you’re a good little church girl, maybe you could do missionary work (now I hear “what happened to my good little church girl”)
- you’re tall, you should be good at sports (nope, definitely not!!!)
Now, think about the expectations you’ve heard throughout your life. How do they make you feel? Especially the ones you didn’t live up to? Not nearly as good as the compliments you’ve been accepting, that’s for sure.
Let’s look at how to release expectations in 5 steps:
1. Recognize that they are based on someone else’s filters of the world. Usually an expectation expressed by someone else has to do with how they see the world more than who you are and what you want or what talents/strengths you have.
2. Accept the good intentions of the other person. Expectations aren’t meant to hurt. They are often meant to be helpful or even to inspire. Even if that fails, the good intention was still there.
3. Release any hurts you may have felt from the good, even if misguided, intentions of others. There are many exercises to help with releasing hurts including but not limited to energy work, writing a letter, visualization and more. Here are a couple of resources for you: The Forgiveness Project blog, 5 forgiveness exercises and an article on the power of forgiveness.
4. Create your own expectations – called goals. Look at what is important to you and set goals/intentions for yourself weekly, monthly, yearly. Make them realistic while also pushing your comfort zone. Remember, we often overestimate what we can do in a week and underestimate what we can do in a year. Keep revisiting your goals and modify them on a regular basis.
5. Celebrate your journey. For every step you take, be sure to acknowledge your progress. No step is too small!
Enjoy your journey!
Christie Mawer – The Bad Kitty
Christie@TheBadKitty.com