On the CBC show Head too Toe yesterday there were some parents talking about keeping their young girls from participating in the princess craze that seems to be running rampant. The concern of these parents was to keep their daughters from thinking that this is the only way that you can be a girl. Their solution was to ban it.
While I understand the desire to teach their girls that they don’t have to wait for Prince Charming to save them, that they are strong and capable of anything, I feel that their approach is misguided. Banning one point of view does not help confirm another.
How is this any different from banning your boys from playing with dolls? Or banning girls from playing in the dirt? Or from telling your girl she’s pretty and your boy he’s smart? Or from dressing your boys in blue and your girls in pink? Or from telling them that girls are good at some things and boys another?
The key is not taking away one thing hoping they will gravitate to another, it’s about teaching them balance.
Playing princess is not inherently a bad thing – whether it’s your girl or your boy. It’s one of many ways that children explore who they are and what is possible in their lives. It doesn’t mean they’re going to want to “be a princess” when they grow up. Unless, of course, they get the message that that’s the best option along with the dresses and shoes.
One story I loved in the show yesterday was the woman who was looking through a book on Princess Di with her daughter. In that book she saw pictures of her in jeans and body armor and in various situations. This was a moment to let her daughter know that being a princess isn’t all about pretty dresses and living in a castle. It’s about helping people, about love and caring, about taking responsibility and being strong – just like everyone else in the world.
It feels to me that the need to blur the lines between gender has gone too far. There is nothing wrong with being female or male or a little of both.
Another story I recently heard on CBC gave a little more hope. It was about a young boy in Edmonton who started life as a girl. He knew from a very young age that this just wasn’t right. He confided in his little sister who then told their parents. They talked to their daughter about her need to be treated as and eventually be a boy and realized that it was real. Now this 13 year old is living as a boy. He won’t be able to get his gender reassigned for some time, but in the meantime, he is treated as a he. His friends accept him, his family accepts him, his school is behind him.
Gender is fluid and solid at the same time. It’s important at a young age to be able to explore. It’s important for parents not to freak if their children waver from what they think their gender means and simply let them be who they are in that moment.
When I was young I wanted to be a boy. There were many reasons for this including that my parents divorced when I was young and as the oldest I felt I needed to be strong and, for me in the early 70’s, that meant being more boy-like. I always wanted to be the dad when playing house. I would put a ball in my pajamas to see what it would be like to be a boy. I never felt I wanted to be a boy, just more like the boys. It passed. It took me a long time, though, to really accept that I could be as strong as I felt I was and needed to be as a woman.
The important thing is to teach our children – and accept ourselves – that anything is possible no matter what genitals are attached to our body. Whether we are dressed as princesses or bikers. Whether we decide to be nurses or rocket scientists. Celebrate the individuality we are all born with.
I just got back from Edinburgh and while there, I checked out some shows at their giant Fringe Festival. The show No Belles was the one I enjoyed most. It was 3 women telling stories about women, well known and less known, who excelled in science. It was a well structured show that really touched my heart. Despite all odds – no pay, sickness, lack of respect and more – these women went ahead and made a difference.
If your little girl is into princesses right now, it will pass. Tell her stories, let her wear pretty dresses, let her watch the Disney movies and, at the same time, give her other options and tell her stories of women who made their own way and made a difference in the world.
Allow yourself and your children to express who they are, to look into options and ideas, to follow their dreams and just be. Even the princess craze is OK.
Christie Mawer – The Bad Kitty
thebadkittyis@gmail.com