Recently I taught a class called What Women Want for men. Since writing and doing the research for that class, I’ve had many little epiphanies. Although the course was designed for men, it’s come to my attention that maybe we women need to be aware of some of the elements of this class as well.
We women spend a lot of our time in conflict. We have conflict with our partners, with our friends, with our parents, with our kids, with our co-workers and boss, even with ourself. When we truly look at the source of the conflict, it tends to boil down to one of three things. If we really look closely at the source of our fear, anger, frustration it will be one of these basic needs that aren’t being met.
1. To Feel Safe
With a partner, we want to know that they are loyal. We want to know that they will protect us when things go badly. This doesn’t mean we want a neandrethal that will threaten anyone that looks at you sideways. It does mean that if the situation arose where you were in danger physically, emotionally or any other way, they will come to your aid.
With family and friends we want to know that what we tell them is safe from gossip. We want to know that our goals and dreams are safe in their hands and won’t be ridiculed.
In the workplace we want to know that our job is secure and that we will be safe from harassment.
2. To Feel Supported
With our partner we want to know that if we are having a bad day, he will listen. We want to be sure that he will be there to help us achieve our dreams and passions. We need to feel that if we are in overwhelm that he will step up and take care of some things so we can recuperate.
Family and friends can be the worst for supporting our dreams. They’ve seen all the struggles and changes over the years and may not trust us to follow through or know what we really want. We need to know that they will be there, no matter what mistakes we may make.
At work we want to be assured that if we want to make a change or go for a promotion that someone will be there to back us up.
3. To Feel We Can Rely On the Person We’re Dealing With
We get really pissed when our man says he’s going to mow the lawn or do the dishes or show up at a certain time and he doesn’t. It’s so much worse when he vows to be faithful and strays. Nothing is harder on our feelings of safety and support in a relationship than when someone – especially a partner – doesn’t do what he says he will.
This is true of everyone else in our lives as well. We may forgive the first time or 10 that someone doesn’t follow through on a commitment. No matter how patient we may be, every incident slowly wears down our trust and the relationship overall until it completely falls apart if things don’t change.
When one or more of these core needs are threatened you may:
- feel disconnected with the person
- find yourself getting unreasonably upset at small things
- discover that you are less likely to share deep thoughts and dreams
- have a fear of sharing your feelings
- go into overwhelm
- spread negative gossip about the person with others
- experience a lack of trust
As soon as you start to notice any of the above experiences blossoming in your life, get out the pruning shears and cut them off! Figure out what core need is being threatened and talk to the person causing the issue. The chances are likely that they don’t even realize it. Be clear and honest about what you need and why.
If it’s a loved one, hopefully they’ll be willing to make some adjustments. However, we don’t have control over what others do. If they think your need is silly or otherwise belittle your request, then you have several choices.
- abandon the relationship (only do this in extreme cases)
- decide to accept that you will need to live with things as they are
- find new ways to make your request (without nagging) until you find something they respond to
- look at other ways they do give you that need apart from the one thing that’s making you crazy and concentrate on that with positive feedback and positive self talk
- monitor yourself and your responses – you can control you – and be aware of what your triggers are
Now that you know what your core needs are, you can look for people and ways to get them met. Happy hunting jungle cats!
Hugs, Christie