This morning I was listening to an interview about a new drug for female sexual dysfunction. There has been a lot of talk over the years since the development of Viagra about something for women as well. The argument lies in whether or not women not achieving orgasm is a medical condition. I personally think there might be a physical condition that affects sex. However, I also think that it’s quite rare. The real causes for lack of sexual satisfaction is more about how we approach sex, the societal expectations around sex and our inability to know or express what we want more than it has to do with a medical condition. In most cases.
One of the biggest complaints women have when they get together is about sex. According to TV and movie scenarios, we think men want too much sex. Most of the time, real women complain about not enough or unsatisfying sex. By extension, we generally blame our man or lack of a man.
There are many lotions, potions and medicines out there that may or may not help you have better sex. In the end, I hate to tell you this, ladies; sex is like everything else in your life, you are responsible to get what you want. The only person we can blame for not getting what we want is ourselves. Like any goal or dream, we only get what we’re willing to ask and work for.
For some, it’s hard to know what to ask for because we don’t even know what we want. If this is you, then it’s time to find out!
- Buy sex information books. There are a lot of resources out there. The Kama Sutra and Joy of Sex are good old standbys. Go to Amazon and you’ll get lots of ideas with the search “sexual satisfaction“. I also have several easy to read books on a variety of subjects such as tantra positions available. (please be sure to put “bad kitty” in the comments section if you make an order.)
- Read Erotica. The 50 Shades of Grey trilogy has gotten a lot of press in this last year. There is a lot of great erotica out there. Reading about fictionalized experiences may pique your interest to look into something more closely.
- Talk to your friends. Many women are remarkably open about their sex lives. Ask your friends what they enjoy. Get their thoughts on how they discovered it, how they integrated it into their sex life and so on.
Once you have a handle on what you want, then it’s time to explore.
- Buy Toys. Whether you use them alone or with a partner, toys are great for helping you figure out what you like. Whether it’s exploring a fetish like bondage or anal play or simply figuring out what positions and types of pressure you respond to, toys are where it’s at! Check out the amazing selection here. (please be sure to put “bad kitty” in the comments section if you make an order.) There is also a great book called Toygasms with wonderful ideas on how to use toys and things you may already have in your house for playtime.
- Start asking for what you want. It can be hard, especially with a partner you’ve had for a long time, to ask for what you want. Let me ask you, isn’t it worth a moment’s discomfort for a lifetime of WOO HOO?? It’s best to have these conversations outside of the bedroom, especially if you want to propose something brand new. Be sure you are in a private place, that you’ve asked ahead of time to have this conversation (no springing it on your partner!) and that you are clear on what you need to get across.
- If your partner is unwilling to give you what you need, be prepared to give it to yourself. Know what you are willing to compromise on and what’s non-negotiable. If you love having your feet kissed but your partner hates feet, you may need to decide if you can live without it. If you need a certain kind of touch to reach orgasm and your partner won’t or can’t seem to manage it, you may need to do it yourself and be clear about that. Know where your lines are.
It may take a little time to figure out and get exactly what you need to love your sex life. Like any goal, isn’t it worth the effort?
Here’s to many an orgasm, plenty of post great sex glow and knowing and getting what you want!