We all have them. Emotions. No one is in touch with their emotions more than children. They can laugh, cry, shout, pout, gasp and hide all within 10 minutes. Whatever is going on in their bodies, they let show though their emotions. As we get older we get taught to control them.
- big girls don’t cry
- don’t yell
- that’s nothing to be upset about
- control your emotions
- it can’t be that bad
- it’s not that funny
- that scared you? really?
Have you heard anything like this? It’s no wonder we start to analyze and adjust our emotions to fit the criteria set by those around us. It’s no wonder we get sick; ulcers, cancer, high blood pressure and so on; have rage outbursts, emotional breakdowns or make bad decisions.
Self help is also everywhere in our society. Yes, I admit, I’m part of that genre as well. Often the message of personal growth is misinterpretted. We seem to think that if we’re growing we are somehow “above” emotions, that we are “enlightened” and therefore we always forgive and stay positive. I hate to burst the bubble, but even a monk that’s been sitting on a mountain meditating for 30 years still has emotions, gets depressed or angry and has days of sadness or even moments of negativity. How can those of us who live our hectic regular lives be above that?
I’m certainly speaking from personal experience here. I’m naturally a pretty even keel kind of person. I don’t generally have big mood swings. I’ve been told by men I’ve dated how “easy to get along with” I am compared to other women they’ve dated, even during my period. However, even with my easy going-ness there are moments where I stuff an emotion and it comes out at the worst times!
I almost slugged a storage attendant once over something that wasn’t his fault because I wasn’t acknowledging the stress I was under after my (now ex) husband went to Korea and left me to clean up and pack away our lives.
I threw a fit with a parking lot attendant because I didn’t acknowledge the hurt and anger I was feeling after a break up.
When I’m feeling emotions that I’m not acknowledging or dealing with I will get quiet and withdrawn until something happens to make me explode.
Everyone reacts differently when they aren’t dealing with something. In the end, it’s just not good for you.
So here are three axioms to help deal with emotions in a healthy way.
1. A thing is what it is. Imagine a table. We call it a table but what is it really? It’s wood, screws, glue, varnish, paint, rubber tips and so on. That is what it really is. We just call it a table. When you feel an emotion, you need to take the time to identify it. Sometimes it’s hidden behind our interpretation of it, what we think we should be feeling. Get down to the core and find out what it really is.
2. Own it and be responsible for it AS IT IS. The table has properties that can’t be ignored. It’s solid so you can’t walk through it. If you drop it on your toe, it will hurt. If you break it apart, you will likely get splinters. Be responsible for these properties. With your emotion, own it as your own. An emotion isn’t good/bad, right/wrong – it just is. Look it in the face and own it. Someone else didn’t “make” you feel this way. The actions or inactions of someone else didn’t cause it. Whatever your emotion in whatever situation belongs to you. Don’t try to make it into something else or dismiss it. Acknowledge it.
3. THEN create it into what you want. We call the flat surface with 4 legs a table, but does it have to be a table? It could be a fort, a bomb shelter, a bed, something to float on, a desk, a screen and so many more things! Get a child in the room and ask them what to do with the table and they’ll give you a dozen ideas. Your emotion is the same. Once you really know what’s going on, you can change it. Emotions aren’t permanent. Think about a child again and how quickly they move from one emotion to another. The secret is they actually let it out. Once you really acknowledge and express your emotions, it will shift. Then and only then you get to decide what you want to do now. You can now forgive. You can release your anger. You can use the energy to propel you forward into something positive.
In our age of forced enlightenment we want to skip step 2 and go straight into step 3. Danger, Danger! When you don’t allow yourself to fully experience all your emotions – even the scarey or hurtful ones – something bad will happen down the road. Whether it’s a terminal illness or an outburst that hurts the person it’s directed toward, it’s not worth it. Skipping step 2 is detrimental to you, those you love and innocent bystanders.
Allow yourself to go through all the steps. Be clear with yourself about how you are feeling. Express it in healthy ways (we can talk about that another time). Let things go completely by expressing them completely and then move on. Until you fully express, you can’t truly move on, no matter what you might say, how brave a face you put on or how much you pretend. Why bother. It takes less energy to let it out than to pretend it’s not there.
Have fun letting it out and letting it go. It’s so worth it!
Hugs, Christie