Do you find NO a hard word to get out of your mouth?
Do you say YES to things even when you know it’s going to skyrocket your stress and exhaustion level?
Hmmm, sounds like you’re living in MARTYR territory. What’s a martyr? Simply put, it is:
Making
All
Requests and
Troubles
Your
Responsibility
Sound familiar? It’s easy to get into this space. There are messages everywhere telling us “don’t be selfish”, “help others”, “it’s better to give than receive”, “say yes to everything then find a way” and so on. But, come on, there need to be limits. You are the only one who can set the limits and they will be different for every person.
Be clear on your vision– what do you want, what’s your passion, what is important to you? When you know what direction you are going and
where you want to be, it’s much easier to know when to say no. Your plate only has so much room on it. Be sure to fill it with things that serve your ultimate goals and purpose. A tool that will help you is the Passion Test. Determining your top 5 passions will help you narrow down what will serve you and what will not.
Saying No may not only serve you, it may serve the other person. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in feeling the need to be there for others, that we forget that sometimes people simply need to do things on their own. Sometimes helping is no help at all! Is this person asking you simply because they know you’ll say yes? Are they taking advantage? Are they being a little lazy? Be sure that you are serving both of you when you agree to something.
Ask yourself:
- Do I want to do this?
- Do I have time to do this?
- Is this something I’m willing to do?
- Can this person do this themselves and will it serve them more if they do?
If you answer NO to the first 3 questions and YES to the fouth, then you need to say NO.
Saying No can be difficult. We often feel like we need to be “nice” about it. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. The problem with that is we end up looking weak and open the door to get “talked into it”. It’s important to get into the habit of simply saying NO with no apologies.
It may be a small word, and yet it can get stuck in our throats. Saying it plain and simply without any qualifiers will be difficult at first if you’re not used to it. Like anything, it will get easier with practice.
The first times you say NO people may look at you waiting for an explanation. They expect to hear something like, “Well, I’d love to but you know I’m just really busy right now. I’m sorry.” So hearing a clear “NO” may throw them for a loop. That’s OK. What they hear is as much a habit as what you say. When they give you that “isn’t there more?” look, breathe and stay strong in your two letter No.
Before long you’ll discover that it’s getting easier and easier. People will be less likely to ask you for things that don’t support your needs and things that they can easily take care of themselves.
Whether it’s work, family or friends, saying NO will serve you all. Your stress level will decrease, you’ll be more able to do the things that are important to you and that nasty martyr will get off your back.
Are you ready for an experiment? Ask yourself the 4 questions. Take a deep breath and say NO plain and simple when you need to. And watch the changes in your life. I know you’ll be happy with it.
No is not a dirty word. Honest!
Hugs, Christie